About me - How I discovered I had BorderLine Personality Disorder

Hi.

I'm divorced, loving life and I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm not going to let it define or control me and I hope you don't either.

You might be wondering who I am. Partly so I can tell my own story without worrying and partly because BPD is so stigmatised I'm choosing to remain anonymous. Maybe one day I'll feel OK telling everyone, but not today.

For years I'd been wondering if I had depression. It was something I ignored for as long as I could. I didn't want to admit it to myself, let alone a doctor. I assumed that the depression would vanish when my life circumstances were better. Up until then I'd always had a reason to be depressed, but when it seemed things were on the up, I still felt the same. I had a stable job. I was married and living comfortably.

Depression - A Symptom of Borderline

When someone else close to me sort help for it, I felt it was time. If they were brave enough to do it, then I could I could too. I reached out and was given access to CBT.

During my CBT sessions, I was told if I stuck to this routine, I'd be cured, that the depressive spirals I experienced would occur less and less. It's still something that struck me as odd, that a health care professional could say that I'd be cured.

I needed something to help me when the depression spirals were bad, between apply and trying if it didn't work. I felt like I was being ignored each session. They said I couldn't engage in the CBT material unless I was in a certain state of mind and I was too distraught, which only made each session more intense. I'd bought it up with my ex, who I was married to at the time and who I trusted, and he believed I wasn't giving it the chance I needed to.

There was absolutely no indication that I was going to receive the help I so desperately needed.

They set off what another professional described later as my 'flight, fight' mode, where my brain shut of its reasoning and just dug around it the emotional turmoil for hours at a time. I yo-yoed between lashing out at my ex and dissociation.

When was I going to learn how to deal with the intense emotions? I didn't want to bury and ignore them anymore. I'd been doing that for years. I wanted to acknowledge them, but at the same time know how to cope with it all.

The Limitations of CBT & Access to Anxiety Medication

The CBT Therapy was one of the times I felt most suicidal, which wasn't helped by a weekly questionnaire question that asked if I was feeling suicidal. I hadn't been, but the mention of it could trigger me. Sorry if you're one of these people, I promise to steer clear from it as much as I can on this site.

At the same time, I'd been waiting to have access to anxiety medication and had been referred to another specialist due to having a certain migraine medication they thought could interfere with this. It took five months to have that conversation. He said it was fine for me to take both. He mentioned I could have some symptoms for emotional intensity disorder, which I thought not much of at the time. It was obvious to me that my emotions were intense. I didn't know it was related to Borderline.

When things were at its worse, I managed to find some resources that helped to calm my anxiety when I was in a depressive episode or spiral. These resources saved me. CBT did not. I checked out of the the CBT treatment claiming that these resources were really helping, that I was calmer.

I couldn't afford to take more time off work. I didn't know if these resources would help me in the long run, but I knew I'd have to do it on my own. I was fed up of week after week crying in CBT treatment because they wouldn't give me anything to help me.

I'm Responsible for My Mental Health

I kept listening and using the audio tools that I had found for grounding and calming myself and started to take medication for anxiety. It wasn't until months later that I stumbled across a video, that I suddenly realised maybe I had Borderline Personality Disorder.

The video used examples of a person's day. A person with Borderline could easily get ramped up.

I hope to help you get the skills to self regulate, to bring yourself back into your window of tolerance. I aim to fast track you with the things that I have learnt on my journey so far. Even now, its harder some days than others, but the calm is starting to creep in more and more each day.

How could I stop the depressive spirals? They could often start with something so small, but throw in heaps of anxiety, rumination, black and white thinking, poor self esteem, they could completely unravel me.

Pressure after pressure after pressure could push someone out of their window of tolerance and someone with BPD may not have the skills to self sooth or calm down between each pressure.

I have Borderline. But I am fine, most of the time.